


You're My Undoing

by gums_guns_glocks



Series: Writing Battle [2]
Category: LUCIDS - Fandom
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Collaboration, Drabbles, Dreaming, Fluff, Friendship, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Miscommunication, No beta we die like Oliver's brother almost did, Other, Running Away, prose, rambles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:35:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29908791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gums_guns_glocks/pseuds/gums_guns_glocks
Summary: It's Oliver & Benjamin (Benjamin & Oliver) until it's not.
Relationships: Benjamin TAOBAO Lucids & Oliver TAOBAO Lucids, Benjamin TAOBAO Lucids & William Wenover, Cult as a Family, Oliver TAOBAO Lucids & Benjamin TAOBAO Lucids, Oliver TAOBAO Lucids & Quinn Hills, Quinn Hills & Jasper Jasperson
Series: Writing Battle [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2199225
Kudos: 6





	1. Oliver

**Author's Note:**

> This was all written in the Lucids discord very late/early in the night/day so please do not be to harsh, its the mindless hurt/comfort fic every fandom needs pt2
> 
> Once again dedicated to the beloved Grass for being the mvp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver misses Benjamin

So maybe Oliver hasn't seen Benjamin in a few weeks. But it's fine, okay, it's fine. They're just having a rough patch, like those weeks in second grade when Benjamin was still adapting to the whole Lucids thing and got addicted to smelling markers. If they could get through that then Oliver's certain they can get through anything. But.. 

Well, he'll be the first to admit that he misses his best friend, his partner in crime. And maybe their separation is a little his fault--he's the one who encouraged Benjamin to go and explore other dreamscapes and he's the one who proceeded to get stupidly jealous of Benjamin's developing friendships with the ex-cult-but it's not like Benjamin has been going out his way to see Oliver either. So-so maybe it's not totally fine and maybe Oliver is lying to himself, a little, about it. And maybe he's lying awake at night and wondering if staying here is worth it. It's stupid. 

They think his brother is going to wake up soon. That should be reason enough to stay. But Oliver is scared and worried and wishes his best friend was here with him, wishes Benjamin hadn't listened when he said that he didn't have to stay. Wishes that his confidence and happiness wasn't quite so fake and that Oliver could-could reach out and be honest without feeling like a burden.

But it's fine, you know. It's fine. Benjamin is having fun and that's what matters. Oliver shrinks farther down in the hospital seat. Everything is fine.


	2. Benjamin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benjamin is sad about Isabelle and misses Oliver

Benjamin never really understood the tree metaphor. Well, that's not exactly true. He understands it in the way he understood most of highschool, enough to bullshit but it held no weight. It's not really a tree in his mind. When he pictures the dreamscapes, and by proxy his (and Oliver's) place in it all his mind wanders to old stories he and Isabelle used to spin.

They went like this. One of them would make up a completely random sentence, with pretty much the only purpose to make the other laugh. And then the other one would add on something equally as ridiculous, and so on and so forth until they were both giggling and nothing was coherent. Dreamscapes are a little like that. Recently they've been comforting him in their absurdity, that nothing will ever truly make sense and that that might be okay.

He hasn't spoken to Isabelle. He misses her, deep in his bones, and right on the surface of his skin. She will always be a part of him, in the little things he does, but he needs to let her go. He needs to because well, (Oliver's face flashes in his mind and disappears just as quickly) because she deserves to be able to move on as well. What he did was unforgivable and it's taken time for him to even come to terms with it. He doesn't expect her to forgive him easily. Or ever.

He's been thinking about their daughter though. (Maybe, maybe, maybe, it's drowning on constantly in his head. Fantasies. hopes.)

The strangest part is the lack of purpose his life has become. This great big nothing that plagues his day to day. It's quite hard to go back to a normal job, a normal life, with this new knowledge of the world. He tried second grade. He tried dreams. It never seems worth it, to try to hide everything.

He misses Oliver. If he misses Isabelle in his skin and bones he misses Oliver in his heart, in the moments between seconds.

But. But. There's always a but. Oliver wants space. Well. He wants Benjamin to "see what's out there" (said in that bright, undeniably Oliver voice that forces a smile from Benjamin's like he's never had another choice). Benjamin's not stupid. He knows when  
someone's asking for space.

But. (But Oliver's smile that takes up his whole face. His undying excitement. The way he  
always sees Benjamin for what he is and cares for him anyway. A dark kind of sadness that simmers underneath the boundless joy Oliver carries. His brother in the hospital, the  
way Benjamin wants nothing more than to close his eyes and show up beside him. To  
hug him. The way Benjamin could see a happy life where they're never apart. The way  
Benjamin doesn't want space.) But.

There's always a but.


	3. Oliver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver misses Benjamin and then Quinn visits him

Oliver drifts in and out of a doze. The nurses flit in and out. The doctor provides Oliver with another update on his brother's most recent MRI and Oliver doesn't speak. And then there's his stupid therapist with his empty notebook. Oliver hasn't been going to sessions. In his defence, he's been jumping through dreamscapes and chasing lost memories and watching Benjamin pretend to be a cultist. Then again, that whole adventure started as an attempt to..well. An attempt. So maybe Oliver doesn't really have a defence.

His therapist clearly doesn't think so--not that he tells his therapist any of that, he's well aware of how difficult it would be to believe. Instead, he listens to his therapist drone on about the weather and getting outside and connecting with people. Oliver still thinks he's a pretty bad therapist, but Benjamin's face flashes to his mind for just a second and maybe Oliver does understand, at least a little, what the doctor is talking about.   
"I did," Oliver says, shifting in his uncomfortable chair. "I went and..met a friend from high school. Spent some time together."

"That's really good, Oliver!" He sounds so proud. Oliver looks away.

"Yeah, well," he shrugs. "That was a few weeks ago."

'Do you think you could reach out again?"

Oliver shrugs again. Benjamin probably would let him, let him like when he confessed to having nightmares in second grade and Benjamin gave him the bed, but that doesn't mean he'd want to. "I dunno."

"Do you have any other friends to reach out to?"

And, okay. Oliver did have friends before all this. Friends who are normal and kind and at least tolerated Oliver. But now, knowing what he knows, knowing about dreams and lucids, how could he spend time with them? Other than Benjamin, he doesn't really have friends. But his therapist is right.

It's how he ends up trying to teach Jasper to be a lucid because apparently Quinn is missing. And that whole thing makes Oliver's head hurt, because Jasper asks if he'd do the same thing if it was Benjamin and Oliver would, Oliver would, but it's been weeks and Benjamin still isn't here.

He kind of hates James Jasperson. So when that terrible idea blows up in their faces and Jasper runs away, Oliver bounces immediately and goes back to the hospital. He gets a call the next day from Jasper, saying that he found Quinn and they're both okay, which is relieving to hear.

He wants to call Benjamin but doesn't think he'd be wanted. He wants Benjamin to call him but isn't sure he'd pick up.

At least if his therapist asks, he can say that he tried to connect with people.

He's not sure how many days it's been when he hears a voice from the doorway. "Hey." He looks up. It's Quinn. "Hey?"

“Can I come in?"

Oliver gestures to the spare chair. "What're you doing here?"

"Figured you could use company," Quinn shrugs. "And Benjamin's being stupid so," he gestures to his own chest, "here I am. I brought a laptop. Do you wanna watch something? Oh, have you still not seen Lumbersweats? Jasper loves it.."   
Oliver wants to ask about Benjamin but bites his tongue and, instead, finally admits to knowing everything about Lumbersweats and they devolve into laughter and Oliver thinks maybe he does have other friends after all.


	4. Benjamin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benjamin is sad about Isabelle and misses Oliver (but this time the cult is there) (also he has two crying sessions)

It's been a rough week. Benjamin woke up (in the sense that really, he fell asleep and came to in his dreamscape) on Monday with an engrained feeling that something was off  
about this week.

It takes until Wednesday for him to figure it out.

Isabelle, G-d Isabelle. It's always Isabelle isn't it? Even when trying to move on it always leads back to her, and the ache she left in his chest, It's their anniversary tomorrow. Six years. Well, not in this timeline but within Benjamin's own conscious it's been six years and it hurts g-ddammit and it's not even the day of.

He doesn't want to be alone. Maybe in some way he deserves to be, to sit and think about what he let himself lose, but he doesn't want to be.

Oliver is the first person to come to mind. The selfish part of Benjamin pulls him all the way to his empty room, and he almost whispers those words to himself (wake up). But. (Always a but.) Oliver's hurting. Benjamin has seen it, during his last visit, more than Benjamin can ever imagine. So he doesn't go to see Oliver. He sits in his room until the clock hits twelve and it's the first minute of Thursday. And then he cries and cries, the  
entire day until he cannot cry anymore. And then he goes numb.

He spends Friday with the cult. Somehow they've actually become a sort of family to him, and though they don't fill any of his missing pieces like Oliver did they are there and they know enough to be careful with him.

"You alright there?" William asks as he sets a tea cup in front of Benjamin. A shrug and then a shake of the head is all he can muster back. His mind is turning over and over he almost forgets to take a sip from his cup when he lifts it to his lips. But he doesn't miss the way Harold and Robert share a look. William however, keeps his eyes and Benjamin until they finally clear with a slight understanding. He turns to the others and to Benjamin's confusion, they slip silently out the door.

"Isabelle," He offers quietly, but it's enough to shock Benjamin's head upwards. There  
must be a question in his eyes because William cringes sympathetically. "You did share  
quite a bit during your jasperfice."

What can he do but laugh ruefully at that? He's always been an oversharer.

"Yeah."He says eventually, into his tea cup. "It's Isabelle."  
William makes a noise of sympathy.

"Have you talked to that friend of yours? Oliver was it?" And like a bobble head  
Benjamin's head snaps back up. "He might be able to help you through this."

Oliver. Oliver would, well not solve any problems, he'd probably start more if Benjamin is being candid. But. There's been. something. Something there that Benjamin can't quite place and it scares him. He'd started to, he thinks at least, after the whole Lucids deal and then Oliver. Well Oliver had thrown a wrench in it all by asking for space. Which he's allowed to do. Even if that's the last thing Benjamin wants. He already messed up with Isabelle. He can't lose Oliver, can't let him slip through his fingers. So space.

It's always space that kills him.

Alone.

When all he can reply to William is a movement of his eyes and a shake of the head. William doesn't press and he doesn't leave. He sits down and they drink tea in the silence.

Together.

And maybe it's not perfect but it tides Benjamin over until he heads back to his empty apartment and breaks down once again.


	5. Oliver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quinn drags Oliver to the cult to talk to Benjamin

"And what does it mean when Lumbersweats-"

Oliver shrugs enigmatically. "You'll just have to wait for the best season."

Jasper huffs and sits back in his seat. "Having direct access to the creator should get me  
some spoilers."

Quinn laughs at Jasper's playful pout and Oliver even manages a smile. Quinn and Jasper have become near-permanent features in the hospital room, sitting with Oliver and the oot of his brother's bed and doing their best to keep his spirits up. They do a decent job, to be fair, and when he mentions it off hand to his therapist it earns him an actual smile.

He's still guilty about his brother's condition and still aching with how much he misses  
Benjamin, but it's nice to not be alone. It would be better if his best friend was here, but  
Oliver's fine, he's coping. Jasper and Quinn are keeping in contact with the cult, apparently, and they say that Benjamin is there a lot and is fine.   
Well, Jasper says Benjamin is fine. Quinn rolls his eyes and continues to mutter about him being stupid.

Oliver still doesn't ask.

Quinn comes in one day and half throws a happy meal at Oliver. Jasper is nowhere to be  
seen, which is becoming odd. Oliver raises his eyebrows. "Thanks?"

"I did this whole..isolation thing," Quinn says, waving vaguely at Oliver's chest with his palm out. "And it sucked. So I'm going to intervene before either one of you decides to take it to the extreme that I did. Okay?"

Oliver blinks a few times. Jasper had explained the situation, how Quinn pushed him away and ran off to a pocket universe where he was the only one in existence. "I'm not..I'm already not doing that. I didn't tell Benjamin to leave."

Quinn glares, looking unimpressed. "You didn't tell him to stay, either."

Oliver opens his mouth to argue and then snaps his jaw shut. It's true. It's true and Oliver sometimes wishes that he had, that he'd admitted to himself that he wanted Benjamin's company in this stupid white hospital at this uncomfortable bedside, that he'd managed to ask for the one bit of help that he desperately wants. But he didn't. He'd thought-he'd thought that he needed space, that they needed space from each other. That Oliver could cope with not seeing him for a while so he could get his head screwed on right and stop hopelessly pining for his best friend. And, well, that seems to have worked. Oliver doesn't expect-or want, right, or want-anything from Benjamin other than his friendship. So maybe..maybe it wouldn't be a terrible idea to see him.

Not that Quinn seems to be giving him any choice. He levels Oliver with a fierce expression and Oliver throws his hands up in surrender. "Fine! Fine, okay!"

They go to the cult house. Quinn's name is still on the lease, apparently, and none of the guys wanted to move all their stuff, so they stayed. And Benjamin is somewhere inside. "This is a bad idea," Oliver says, coming to a stop on the front path. His heart is racing.His palms feel sweaty. "I should..this is a bad idea."

"Get inside," Quinn says, giving him a gentle shove. Oliver complies. "If nothing else, it'll do you good to get out of the hospital. Fresh air, new spaces."

Oliver sighs. The house is warm. He can hear voices from the kitchen, singing. There's a half-finished game of Clue on the living room table and a menu screen from an action film playing a loop on the tv. He moves through the house carefully. Quinn leads him to the kitchen and Oliver freezes at the sight of Benjamin sitting on the counter, apple in one hand and burnt chocolate cookie in the other, talking to one of the cultists. (Oliver should really learn their real names at some point.)

He was right. This is a terrible idea.

Seeing Benjamin again nearly short circuits his brain.

"Hey guys," Quinn says, and the cult returns this greeting.

Benjamin looks up and he freezes too. Oliver really wants to run. He doesn't, but it's a very near thing.


	6. Benjamin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benjamin and Oliver each say two sentences (barely) to each other and Benjamin is sad about their new dynamic.

"Is it really burnt if it's made with love?"

"What-yes obviously! Obviously it's still burnt!"

"But I made it with adoration! Care! That's gotta count for something!"

Benjamin listens mutely to Harold and William bicker senselessly across the room. Turns the apple in his hands over and over. His gaze is unfocused, dazed almost. Robert sits at the table beside him, focused on inhaling the most cookies possible, charred bits be damned. He'll occasionally turn to Benjamin with some sort of comment but mostly he lets Benjamin sit in a sad pathetic sort of silence. William must've spoken to all of them.

At the sound of an opening door Benjamin barely turns. It's surely Quinn, (most likely with Jasper because when is he not with Jasper ever since-well Benjamin's not sure what  
exactly happened but he knows Quinn stopped showing up one day and the next he was  
back a little softer than before. And he has started bringing Jasper along with him) and as much as Quinn will deny it, he's not some sort of celebrity. He has some sort of issue with Benjamin that isn't quite clear yet. But besides slight tension and a few eye rolls Benjamin deals with it. Just like he deals with everything. And if this might be because he ignores Quinn's continuous requests for a talk, and stopped talking almost all together, well, it's not really anyone's business is it. Especially not Quinn's. So. Everyone should just stop caring so much. Because he's fine. (He'd be better without all this space.)

It's only after Robert kicks his chin in excitement that Benjamin looks up. And in that moment his entire heart falls from his chest into his stomach.

The space has never felt wider.

"How's your brother?" They're in the small back room of the cult house, standing on opposite sides of the room. Benjamin is decidedly looking anywhere but Oliver, apple  
rocking like a fidget toy in his hand. If his words are coming out soft and breathless, it's from worry not fear. (and definitely not the crushing weight that is being lifted and- dragged back down with every beat that he and Oliver are in the same room)

"Hmm?" A soft, wide eyed look fills Oliver's eyes. Benjamin heart aches with the familiarity of it. It's been too long. Maybe he should reached out. But. Oliver's here now so that must mean Benjamin was right. That we needed space. The doe eyed look fades from Oliver's face and instead turns into one coated by a rueful smile. Even through the  
sadness, it takes over his entire face.

"Oh uh-yeah the doctor's uh, they think he'll wake up soon but that's what they all say." It's like Oliver's attached to a string the amount he's nodding his head and blinking. How easy it would be for Benjamin to take two steps forward and hold him and force him to  
stay here, to let Benjamin help him. (Let Benjamin do more, be more. Whatever that  
entails) There's a moment where they stare at each other, Benjamin nodding slowly.  
waiting for Oliver to continue. He doesn't. What he does to is clear his throat and look  
away, eyes shining. "How's Isabelle?"

"I haven't seen her." His voice comes out hoarse. It's not surprising, Benjamin thinks to himself, that Oliver barely reacts to that. Before going their separate ways Benjamin had  
promised he'd stay around the cult. Take some time to think on himself. What he would  
do next.

Oliver had promised to do the same. That he needed to stick by his brother and find a  
way to come to terms with it. That this was his life. (Their lives if Oliver would have him.  
But space. All of the goddamn space.)

Benjamin hates the physical space. Hates it with a burning passion that's been growing in his gut underneath his sadness and desperation. But worst than it is this new space. This space that is filling the tiny, spare room their occupying. The space that is stopping  
Oliver from cracking jokes, that is pulling at Benjamin's heart like it's trying to win a tug  
of war, this space that feels like it's all Benjamin's fault. Which. Isn't fair really. Oliver  
wanted them to meet new people. It should be his fault that they have this new gap. But in Benjamin's mind Oliver can't be at fault, not entirely. Can he sense it? The aching in  
Benjamin's chest that started just as the most confusing chapter of his life ended? The  
slow and steady pulse that's been growing stronger everyday wether Benjamin sees  
Oliver or not?

Is that why Oliver wanted him to leave?

Oliver must've have realized it. For a while Benjamin thought it might've been mutual.  
Now he's not so sure. Not sure if he messed it up again, but this time before it could even start. Have the chance to start.

Is that why he never bothered to try and stay?

Space is a drowning kind of pain but the silence speaks volumes.

He wants to spill his guts. It's one of his biggest faults yes, this need to speak every issue he has but when it comes to Oliver it gets even worse.

But they spent weeks apart because of something. Something Benjamin must've done. Or didn't manage to do right. They can't get to the root of the issue until Oliver tells him  
what the issue even is. (He feels like he already knows.)

So Benjamin waits, as always for Oliver's signal to proceed.


End file.
